As I sit at my computer I feel numb. I don’t know if it is the medication I’m on or if it is the shock of the past few months. So much has changed in my life and yet my days seem the same. Writing, reading, working out. I did these things before my breakdown, before the delusions but it all seems different now. Somehow the importance has been removed. Or I have internally decided these things no longer feel as important. But they are. Staying healthy and feeding your mind is important.
I lack perspective and feel stupid most days. And then I feel brilliant and full of hope. Like a light that I didn’t see before shining down the path less traveled and I want to start the journey. Leap forward but I stop because I can’t. I mentally can’t handle that yet and it angers me. I feel frustrated at the loss of memory. I feel frustrated at the cloud that is my brain. It would be so much easier to go back to the way things were. Forget everything that has happened and throw out my pill bottle.
It may not be the biggest problem anyone has faced but it affects me every day. I think to the crazy things I believed and said and I feel crippled. But that’s normal after a breakdown. I feel like more people have to say that. Everything I am going through is normal to someone who has been through the same things as me. And what is normal anyways other than another category society uses to box us into neat little niches.
I hope you read this and understand that in the end I feel empowered. That this is not how my story ends but rather how it begins. With not quite rock bottom but close enough to it that I want to climb out of the hole.
- Vanessa Vallozzi