It’s been a rainy day today in Vaughan. Usually I don’t mind the rain but lately it’s been having a negative effect. I feel like I got up on the wrong side of bed. I’ve started my second recovery program at Mackenzie Health since my breakdown in January (those of you may or may not know the details if you are new readers).
I feel like the 6th season of Buffy when she wakes up in a psychward and her whole life as she has known it may be false. That’s similar to my current situation. My life and reality were blurred and I couldn’t separate what was a delusion and what was real. I’ve never had this happen to me before but when it did I was scared.
You start thinking things that in your right mind you know can’t be true. But they feel so real that you are scared and crippled and paranoid. You believe things are real that you usually wouldn’t. These delusions have passed but the after effects remain. After having these delusions, even though you know they aren’t real, they are still in there with your real life story. And you have to face the reality of your situation.
I remember Buffy not knowing who to trust. Which reality was real? The one she has always known or the one she was introduced to? For me, I know that my memory is correct and what parts are ridiculous delusions. Luckily I caught them early enough to start on the path to getting better instead of letting them take over my life.
I have always been a self aware person. I strive to be. That’s why I hate feeling foreign in my own body. Things like holding a book or typing feel foreign to me. Things I’ve done my whole life feel different and it will take some getting used to. But I know my strength and my weakness. I’m happy that I’ve taken the path I have. It will only make me stronger, better. I’m not schizophrenic and spoiler alert, Buffy didn’t end up being schizophrenic either.
- Vanessa Vallozzi