I Have A Million Notebooks #writerslife

Okay, so I don’t have a million but I have a lot. So many that I have more than I have time to fill. Usually I don’t date my entries because to me it doesn’t matter when I wrote something, it matters that I wrote it. Here is an entry which basically vents all of my feelings as of late.

“What is? That is the question that my life always seems to circle back to. What is my life? What is it I hope to achieve? What is my next step? I’ve been coasting through hoping to find the answers only to come up short. Dating the wrong men, taking the wrong jobs, making rash decisions. There is an image of the woman I hope to one day become but when I look in the mirror my reflections falls short. To no ones detriment but my own. I could have the world. I could own my own company but I don’t. I’ve been weak. Scared of failing, scared of greatness, scared of standing up for myself. Scared that I might never be good enough. But is anyone really ever good enough? If we are always aiming to better ourselves, aiming to grow. If we are always out doing our last accomplishment than really the only thing that is good enough is to keep growing and moving forward. Where will the next step take us? Who will we be tomorrow and will we learn from our failures and mistakes? Each failure is another step to greatness. We know we can get there. We know we can do this. It’s not a question of can we or what if. It’s a question of how.

The question then for me is how will I become a great writer? How will I become an influencer and have my voice heard? We can’t be scared to reach out to people and ask for help. We can’t hold back because other people don’t understand our dreams.

What is it that makes you stand out? Why should people trust your word? What can you bring to the table? These are questions I frequently ask myself but are often left unanswered. Maybe it’s because I haven’t figured it out yet. If you want to become a personality, a voice, an author, you need to have a perspective worth analyzing.

Are you a feminist or an activist? Are you a teacher or councilor? Who are you at your core? When you figure that out the path may be more visible that you are meant to take, even if it is less traveled.

I have love to offer. I have kindness. I have experience in pain and in making mistakes. I have experience in dating, experience in death. I have experience in anxiety and analyzing human emotion. So what then does it mean to be an enlightened human being if these are things most of us have experience in? What does it mean to be passionate? To live or die for something? To crave or want something? Can you have passion without authenticity or authenticity without passion? What things to you bring to life in a world where we see so much death?

Some of these are the harder questions we don’t want to face. Whether we be afraid of the answer or we don’t yet have it. You ask yourself on a subconscious level “what if I’m not good enough? Smart enough? Disciplined enough?” But these things aren’t always  innate. They can be learned and cultivated.

Like that moment of clarity we have. That moment we smile and for a second we have no doubts. We are good enough. We are smart enough. Until the emotions flood in. Until that place of doubt in our subconscious creeps up and says differently. So we do nothing. Instead of reading and researching. Instead of taking a class and holding on to our dreams, we let go. And the truth is, most of us let go of what we want. We let fear cripple us. We let a life with no direction be our reality. But the only thing holding us back is how we view ourselves. Our own mind limits us. Limits me.  I need the courage to do the work. Courage to find the answers. Be the doer and the thinker. Be the master of my own destiny. No matter what the next obstacle may be.”

  • Vanessa Vallozzi

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