My goal for march is a journey of self actualization. Writing has always been my passion and it’s funny that usually what I write about is the fact that I love writing. The problem I frequently encounter is that the thoughts I have I am usually afraid to share. My main goals have been as follows: career growth, what the next song on my playlist will be and who my next crush is going to be (I’ve never been truly ready for a relationship even though I jumped into them with all of me).
Poetry for me is easy to write as it flows out of me naturally. I usually write poetry as a process of stream of consciousness and I don’t go back to edit my work. I share with you my rough and raw self. My goal is to lay out a plan to write articles for a magazine and finish drafting the local online magazine I was thinking of starting.
Another goal is to let go of many things of the past. The biggest is to forget all the people who have bullied me and who I have seen bully other people. It’s strange that I haven’t thought about any of these things for a long time. I had let it go at the time. Not until recently did it all come flooding back in one big tidal wave.
I wrote this already on my old blog, that a girl in my Gr.11 Philosophy / Psychology / Anthropology class said out loud that kids should just be aborted because adopted kids end up messed up (and I still believe she knew I was adopted). This is something I know I haven’t let go of because it lead to other things. Like in 2006 When I started my first Facebook account. I was in my first year of University and two girls from my high school posted nasty comments on almost all of my pictures and in-boxed me how ugly I am and that I should just kill myself. Do you think suicide is funny? Do you think it’s a joke? I definitely don’t and as someone who has felt suicidal more then once in my lifetime, I speak for all of us that joking about is frustrating.
I’ve had two people in my life try and use this method to make me stay in a relationship with them. Threatening suicide to make someone feel guilty is wrong. And here in lies my problem from January 2017 – March 3rd 2017. I have been suicidal, standing on the edge of a subway platform wondering what it would feel like if a train hit me. But I didn’t have the courage to do it. Which means my will to live is stronger then my will to die. If you really wanted to do something you would go through with it. Readers, if you are at this stage in life where you know your thoughts are leading you down a destructive path, then I ask you to seek help from your family or doctor. Dealing with these strong emotions alone will leave you mentally crippled and unable to focus or accomplish your goals. My fear is that because I voiced this feeling people think I’m not serious. In this moment I am not suicidal, but I find it a big problem that I was. I’m brought back in my mind to these times where I’ve heard people using it for pity or using it as a way to bully someone. So please readers don’t pity me or feel sorry for me. All I want you to do is remember this in your hard times. Whatever they may be.
I have 3 books I want to finish this month which is another goal I am setting for myself this month. Drink, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and Tuesday’s With Morrie.
I know I have a lot of potential to reach my goals. i know I’m smart, hard working, stubborn and passionate. That is my goal in March, to live passionately and to realize that there is enough time to do all the things I want to, as long as I use my time wisely.
- Vanessa Vallozzi